In a changing world it is often not the physical changes we find difficult but rather the emotional and psychological processes involved in letting go of the way the world used to be and the shifting to a new reality. These emotional and psychological processes are called transitions. And they come in three stages.
The first stage is Separation. This is where we come to terms with the idea that we need to let go of a past that has gone forever.
To achieve this well, it is important to realise that emotions are not rational so they cannot be resolved in purely rational ways. We can’t simply say, “The past has gone, get over it.” That doesn’t work. Instead, we need to talk in a language that our emotions will understand.
This is the language of rituals and symbolic acts.
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Retirement Parties
A simple example is the retirement party. Retirement marks a huge change in the life of the person retiring as well as the colleagues left behind, who are losing a friend and a trusted source of wisdom and experience.
With their rituals of food, drink, speeches, and gifts, retirement parties provide time and space for everybody present to process the emotions they are feeling, give thanks for the past that has gone, acknowledge the reality of the present that is now happening, and prepare for the different future that is coming.
“Sorry you are leaving” cards fulfil a similar role. So do graduation ceremonies, coming of age ceremonies, and funerals. All these things are ritual or symbolic ways of saying, “A significant part of our life is over. Here are some reminders of why it mattered. Now we can let go and move forward.”
There is no one best way of doing this. Hold a party or spend time alone; keep a memento or throw something away; buy something, burn something, bury something, or make something new. Any of these might be appropriate. Your task is to find a ritual that is appropriate for the situation, for you, and for the unique people around you.
In 2015, the whole of Northern Ireland went through a Separation ritual together: they built and burnt a huge bonfire. This gave them a symbolic ritual ending to The Troubles they had been living through. And that enabled them to shift their attention away from what had happened to what was going to happen as they built their new future together.
Rituals and symbolic acts will enable you and the people around you to Separate from the past that has gone. That will then enable you, and them, to turn to face the future you most long to create.
When was the last time a significant part of your life came to an end? Did you hold a symbolic event to mark that ending? What effect did that have on your ability to move on with the next stage of your life? What does this tell you about how you can best manage the endings and beginnings that are happening now, for you and for the people around you?
Adapted from Inner Leadership: a framework and tools for building inspiration in times of change.
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