In a changing world it is often not the physical changes we find difficult but rather the emotional and psychological processes involved in letting go of the way the world used to be and shifting to the new reality of how the world is going to be. These emotional and psychological processes are called transitions. And they come in three stages.
The first stage is called Separation. This is where we come to terms with the idea that we must let go of a past that has gone forever.
If we want to achieve this effectively, it is important to realise that emotions are not rational things so they cannot be resolved in purely rational ways. We can’t simply say, “The past has gone, get over it.” That will not work. Instead, we must talk in a language that our emotions will understand.
This is the language of rituals and symbolic acts.
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Retirement Parties
A simple example is the retirement party. Retirement marks a huge change in the life of the person who is retiring: the loss of earnings and friendships and the sense of belonging to something larger than themselves. And for the colleagues who are left behind, they too are losing a friend and a trusted source of wisdom and experience.
Retirement parties provide a time and space for people to process the psychological and emotional adjustments associated with these changes. Their rituals of food and drink, speeches and gifts enable everybody present to give thanks for the past that is ending, acknowledge the reality of the present that is happening, and prepare for the future that is about to begin.
“We’re sorry you are leaving” cards fulfil a similar role. So do funerals, graduation ceremonies, and coming of age ceremonies. All are ritual and symbolic ways of saying, “A significant part of your life is now over. Here are some reminders of why it was important. Now it is time to let go of that and move forward.”
There is no one best way to do this. Hold a party or spend time alone; keep a memento or throw something away; buy something, burn something, bury something, or make something new. Any of these might be appropriate. Your task is to find a ritual that is appropriate for you, the situation, and for the unique people around you.
In 2015, the whole of Northern Ireland went through a Separation ritual. By building and setting fire to a huge bonfire together, they gave themselves a symbolic ritual ending to The Troubles they had been living through. That then enabled them emotionally to shift their attention away from what had happened to what was going to happen and the new future they could build together.
Rituals and symbolic acts will enable you and the people around you to Separate from the past that has gone. And that will enable you all to turn to face the future you most long to create.
When was the last time a significant part of your life ended? Did you hold a symbolic event to mark the ending? What effect did that have on your ability to move on with the next stage of your life? What does this tell you about how you can best manage the endings and beginnings that are currently happening, for you and the people around you?
Adapted from Inner Leadership: a framework and a set of tools for building inspiration in a time of change.
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